Ariel (30) her boyfriend Joshua (32)
Her kids with Frances (her ex-husband) 33: Ben, Estelle (10) and Nianna (6)
Narrated by Ariel
It has been two years since my baby Alexa passed. There are good days but then there are bad days. Ben and Estelle feel it more since Alexa was their triplet sister. It hurts me to see Estelle cry but I really do not know how else I can help her.
Dinner can get a little quiet around here. They talk about school and anxious about having a break already.
Nianna acts her normal self since she barely remembers Alexa to begin with. She knows she had another older sister but thats all.
Things between Joshua and I have gotten intense. We either have great days or we end up arguing non stop. He wants to take this to the next level while I am still grieving. I can not think of celebrations when my baby Alexa is not here.
I have been feeling very sick lately. I got up one morning drenched in sweat and blood. I rushed to the bathroom and I knew immediately what it was. I guess I had not noticed that I have not had my period for a couple of months. I checked the calendar and sure enough...I had just miscarried. I got back to bed and cried. I did not know what to say or do. I just kept it to myself.
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It is strange for me sometimes to go out in the yard and see my ex-husband Frances knee deep in dirt. It's almost like a flash back. We get along but lately I have been feeling the pull to be with him again. Joshua knew I was visiting Frances too much so we both agreed I would cool it for now.
Frances still knows me too well and asked me whats wrong. I looked at him and wanted to tell him but decided not to. How would he feel knowing that I just miscarried another man's child?
I went inside and of course he bugged me about it again. I told him and he said he was sorry. I told him that I did not want Joshua to know about it. He is studying to be a doctor now and started questioning me all about my miscarriage. I told him that I did not want to talk about it and we switched the subject.
I guess I am lucky because my boyfriend gets along with my ex. We have a very peaceful family. But sometimes it irritates me when Joshua starts saying that I don't want to marry him. I get along with Frances but I don't need him knowing everything about me!
Frances suggested that he takes the kids for the summer. I didn't like that idea because I would miss them terribly. I realize that Ben needs to bond with his dad. I agreed to them spending more time with their dad. Now that Frances is doing better he can afford to have them in his apartment.
of course Estelle asked right away if Joshua and I were getting married. I told her that I did not know. I can tell she still wants me back with her dad. I need to be careful because like I said before sometimes I wish that too.
Joshua and I work in the same police department, thats how we met. He is getting tired of coming over when the kids are asleep. He wants to move in and I don't know. I don't want to upset the kids.
He gently reminds me that I too have a life and need to live it. I know he's right but this is a big decision. As we got ready for bed I realized that I have to decide whether Joshua is right for me or not.
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